


That Which is Acceptable

by Blackbird Song (Blackbird_Song)



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Aftermath of Violence, M/M, Non-Graphic Violence, Pre-Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-25
Updated: 2016-12-25
Packaged: 2018-09-12 03:13:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9052918
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blackbird_Song/pseuds/Blackbird%20Song
Summary: Written for the ksadvent challenge of 2016 using Prompt 37: During a mission that takes place over the holidays, Kirk and Spock have to mindmeld and Kirk 'sees' a memory of Spock when he went with his mother to earth and celebrated Christmas/Hannukah/other (up to author) for the first time and saw snow, etc. After the mission, Kirk asks him about it and offers to share one of his own memories of Christmas/Hannukah/other. Can be first time or established.
Many thanks to my husband for the beta.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the [](http://ksadvent.livejournal.com/profile)[ksadvent](http://ksadvent.livejournal.com/) challenge of 2016 using Prompt 37: During a mission that takes place over the holidays, Kirk and Spock have to mindmeld and Kirk 'sees' a memory of Spock when he went with his mother to earth and celebrated Christmas/Hannukah/other (up to author) for the first time and saw snow, etc. After the mission, Kirk asks him about it and offers to share one of his own memories of Christmas/Hannukah/other. Can be first time or established.
> 
> Many thanks to my husband for the beta.

As he throws off the fifth huge reptiloid to assail him, Jim Kirk knows he's going to die within minutes. He's as worried about Spock as his situation makes it possible for him to be, but it's most likely that his friend will survive the fray if the _Enterprise_ can penetrate the ionic interference from the spectacular coronal mass ejection from the star his crew has been competing to name. The hot desert winds may or may not be related to the CME's effects, but in what he expects to be his last experience of irony, he notes the strong kinship he feels when comparing his own heat-amplified buffeting at the scaly claws of his assailant with that of his ship and her instruments in the hot plume of charged particles he hopes Scotty can escape.

A strong grip seizes him from behind and he knows it's over, but puts everything he can into fighting who- or whatever wants to end him.

"Jim!"

Kirk feels a breeze of fist passing by his left ear and knows immediately that Spock has saved his life for a few seconds, probably at great cost to his own prospects.

"I can help," Spock shouts through the dust and wind.

Kirk can't talk. He knows heat stroke is imminent and that his voice couldn't even function without water and probably some sort of lung vacuuming from McCoy. He nods. At least he hopes that's what he's doing.

And then there are familiar fingers on his face.

> It's cold. It's so cold he doesn't think he can survive in this environment. He attempts to seek the warmth of Mother's body but Father orders him to walk without her contact. She argues with Father, who informs her that any child of an ambassador must be hardened to all the climates to which the family might be sent. "Furthermore, Spock's human heritage should confer a greater tolerance of cold than a full Vulcan would possess."
> 
> This is the first non-derisive thing Father has ever said in his presence about his human half. He resets his internal temperature as best he can and proceeds independently of contact with either parent until he awakens in a far warmer environment in which he can smell smoke and something resinous. The light is painful, but not as bad as the sharp, blue-tinged frequencies of before. He cannot explain how he came to be in a room when he'd just been walking through fallen, outdoor precipitation.
> 
> He possesses a new comprehension of Mother's expression 'chilled to the bone'. His heart rate is five percent below optimum and his blood feels thicker than he expects, a sensation that causes him to feel alarmed. He knows he must hide this from Father, and therefore Mother, if they are in the vicinity. He is grateful to be on a bed that includes blankets. From the vibratory differentials he notices as he breathes, he surmises three of them between the cloth next to his skin and the topmost cover. Father doesn't allow blankets on Vulcan.
> 
> "Spock!" Mother's voice is welcome, but sounds very anxious despite her attempt to steady it.
> 
> He attempts to formulate a response.
> 
> She is by his side. "It's all right, don't talk," she says. "The doctor says you'll be in and out of consciousness for a while." She places a hand on his forehead. "Still a little cool, but you're on the mend."
> 
> He would like to take her hand but can't communicate with his arm.
> 
> "You may be in a partial healing trance," she says. "You're a bit young and we weren't sure that would happen, given your human half, but I'll be right here from now on."
> 
> The weight of her hand on the covers is welcome, which he knows should cause him shame. For some reason he can't fathom, it doesn't. He allows himself to drift out of consciousness and into equilibrium.

The meld crashes closed with a clawed fist to Kirk's face, but he has enough strength to dispatch the attacker and the next swarm. At the very least, he'll have the satisfaction of knowing as he dies that he fought to the very end.

He just wishes he had the time to thank Spock and say goodbye. He spares a glance in his friend's direction and their eyes meet as a wall of angry, fully armored seven-foot lizards charges at them, maces drawn. He reaches for Spock's hand and finds it gripping his.

He's never been so happy to see the transporter shimmer as he is at this moment. Even if it's only Spock they can transport, his relief is profound. And then he feels himself dissolve.

"Medical team to Transporter Room, on the double!"

Kirk blinks through the change of light, hoping they got more of Spock than the hand he's still holding. He feels a squeeze and then a loosening and sees a full hominid figure attached to the hand that's just slipped away. That's when he realizes that he can't stand up. Or sit up. Or wake up.

*****

There are times when waking up from the battle is worse than the battle itself. The pain this time around is staggering and distributed pretty evenly through his body. Maybe if he can get up and walk it off—

"Don't move another muscle!"

"Bones—" Kirk's voice sounds so weak to his own ears that he wonders if he can add deafness to his list of war wounds.

"Not a single one!"

Kirk freezes in place, pain shooting through every neuron in his body as he glares balefully at McCoy.

McCoy rolls his eyes. "Except to lie back down like my medical team arranged you."

Kirk does as he's told, though he'd really like to deck McCoy.

His fists throb with pain at the thought.

"How long?"

"You've been out for seven days. You're staying in here for at least another week. You're off duty for two weeks after that. AH! No moving!"

Kirk forces his muscles and nerves to stand down. "How many?"

"Ah, now there's a question that could take all twenty-seven of those days to answer!" McCoy looks entirely too gleeful.

"Bones..."

"Twenty-two."

"What?" The 't' didn't quite make it, thanks to his tongue aching like nothing has ever ached.

"You broke twenty-two bones, some in multiple places. Fortunately, none of your vital organs were pierced and all your injuries were knittable by our technology. But jaws are hard to fix and yours took a beating. Probably a lot of beatings, by the look of things."

Kirk wants to retort. He wants to say 'You try fending off dozens of seven-foot lizards!' or 'Yeah, you could say that' or 'Can't you shut up and give me something for the goddamned pain?' but he only has one word left in him before his mouth won't work anymore for a while. He means to say 'pain' or 'water'. "Spock?"

McCoy's face softens. "He's over there, in a healing trance."

Kirk tries to move his head but can't.

"Other side of the room. He's probably going to be out of commission about as long as you. I'd move him, but every time we tried to give you separate rooms, both of your vitals got worse."

This is not news that Kirk needs to hear at the moment.

"Don't worry too much about that. Once you're both out of the woods, you can have your personal space back. What little of it you get on a starship, anyway."

Kirk's eyelids don't hurt as much as the rest of him, so he blinks a thanks at McCoy.

"You're welcome. Now have a sedative."

It's in Kirk's arm before he can protest. He doesn't fight the fall into oblivion.

The next time he wakes up, someone's holding his hand. More to the point, he seems to have someone's hand in a death grip. It's a big hand. It's got long fingers. It's on the cool side. "Spock..."

"Yes, Jim." The voice sounds concerned.

Kirk must make a choice between embarrassment, mortification and total confusion. "Did I... _grab_ you in my sleep?"

"Yes."

Kirk groans. "I'm sorry, Spock. If it's any help, I didn't know I was doing it. Last I remember, I didn't think I could do that, given how many bones Bones said I broke..."

"I should clarify. You called out to me in your sleep and McCoy said I should take your hand in order to stop your flailing."

"I was flailing?"

"Yes."

Kirk squeezes Spock's hand and lets go. Or rather, he tries to let go. "Spock..."

"Jim, my orders were to stay at this post until McCoy relieved me from duty."

"What? Spock, Bones is playing a joke on you!"

"No, I'm not!" McCoy is now just to Spock's right. "You wouldn't hold still and we couldn't put you in restraints or increase the sedative without risking your life. His hand-holding was the only thing that worked over the last week!"

"A week?" Kirk looked over at Spock. "Have you been holding my hand for a week?"

"Negative."

"How long, then?"

"That would be, er, difficult to calculate, given that—"

"Spock! How long?" Kirk wishes his voice were completely recovered, as he doesn't sound anywhere near as menacing as he'd like.

Spock sighs almost inaudibly. "Sixteen hours, forty-seven minutes, thirty-two seconds." He still doesn't let go of Kirk's hand.

"Bones, if I promise not to flail anymore, can you relieve Spock of his task and let me have my hand back?"

McCoy glances at the monitor and peers into Kirk's eyes. "Mr. Spock, you're relieved.

"I am relieved." Spock starts to rise, loosening his grip on Kirk's hand.

Kirk squeezes Spock's hand, stopping him in mid-rise. "Thank you, Spock," he says.

"Always," Spock replies, squeezing Kirk's hand in return.

The loss Kirk feels when Spock's hand slips out of his startles him. He wants to say 'Don't be a stranger', but refrains from doing so.

"I shall return."

Kirk can't stop a smile. He can't even feel mortified.

McCoy quirks a wry smile at Kirk as Spock leaves. "He's just hitting the head, Jim. He's still confined to Sickbay for another day. But if you promise not to hit my staff anymore, I can move him out of this room."

As Kirk's eyes widen, he realizes he still feels pretty banged up. "I hit your staff?"

"Yup. Christine, M'Benga, Johnson—"

"I hit Nurse Johnson?"

"Yup."

"And I lived?"

"For the moment."

"How's Spock?"

"Unhit, at least by you. But he took a swipe to the chest that would've cut you or me in half. You sure that liquid dilithium is worth as much loss of life as it's gonna take to get the owners to sell it to the Federation?"

Kirk tries to rub his brow and can't because there's some sort of head restraint in the way.

"That comes off after twenty-four hours of good behavior."

"I wasn't hitting people with my head, Doctor."

"No, but you were thrashing around with a cracked skull."

"Oh."

"So hitting my staff or a room to yourself. What's it gonna be?"

"I won't hit your staff. Especially Nurse Johnson."

McCoy peers at him. "But...?"

"I...don't want a room to myself."

"What happened down there?"

"It was hotter than any place I've ever been and we had to fight off soldiers that made the Gorn look like bunny rabbits with our bare hands. I was about to die right then, but Spock saved me."

"How? With alfalfa?"

Kirk can't find it funny. "No. It was a mind meld. He made me feel cold so I could survive."

"That's a pretty neat trick, if you ask me."

"Yes. It was." Kirk gathers the memories in his mind and recognizes the background of Spock's first time on Earth and his first experience of Christmas. "Bones, since Spock's not going anywhere and I've promised not to hit your staff, could you please take this thing off of my head?"

McCoy eyes Kirk for a few moments before nodding. "Okay, but if you hit Spock, you're going in restraints or the brig."

"Understood."

"I'll be right back with the key."

*****

It's dark in Sickbay during ship's night. At least it's fairly dark when the place isn't loaded with emergency cases or dangerous criminals requiring twenty-four hour monitoring. It's a peaceful night in Sickbay and Kirk can't sleep. Maybe it's because Christmas is in two days. Maybe it's because he's been in medically induced not-quite unconsciousness for about two weeks. Maybe it's because he came so close to losing Spock, who's saved his life and sanity so many times, he's lost count.

Kirk felt Spock's loneliness more keenly than ever before in that last meld. It cut him through the heart, and if he couldn't bear it, how bad must it be for Spock?

"Jim, are you experiencing sleep difficulty?"

There is something so comforting about hearing his name in Spock's voice. "Yes. I've had so much sleep for two weeks, I can't seem to do it tonight."

"Would conversation help?"

"Yes, it might. Can I ask you about that meld?"

"Of course."

"Am I correct in thinking that you were showing me your first Christmas?"

"I did not show you any Christmas details," Spock replies.

"Ah, but you did! There was the snow and the cold – thank you for that, by the way. It saved my life."

"Yes. But Christmas is by no means the only time when snow occurs on Earth."

"True, but you were smelling a Christmas tree."

"That is correct," Spock says after a long pause.

"What's wrong?"

"Scent is one of the most intimate senses. If you are aware of my experience of them in a meld, we are dangerously close."

"Would that be such a bad thing?"

"It might," Spock says after a long pause.

Kirk takes a long moment to contemplate his next step. "I'd like to share something with you. May we meld?"

"Yes." It is heartbreaking in its fragility.

"I seem to be unable to walk over to you."

"Then I shall come to you."

Spock's movements are slow and careful, making Kirk wince in sympathy and move over on the bed. Then he remembers the chair that Bones didn't have removed, but before he can move back, Spock is perching on the edge of the bed and preparing for the meld.

> It's hot here. It's so hot, he's not sure he'll make it up the hill. Sam's urging him on, but Dad's goading him. He's humiliated and angry and he doesn't want to tell anyone that he's feeling sick and faint.
> 
> Why'd they have to come to a place where it never snows for Christmas? Snow on Christmas is sacred!
> 
> "Dad, he needs a rest! Some water, at least..."
> 
> "Nah, he'll be fine. Besides, if he gets this tree to the cabin on his own, he'll break the family record. Nobody's ever lugged a ten-footer up there before!"
> 
> It's the first vote of confidence he's ever heard from Dad in a long time, so he regroups and adjusts the harness before he ploughs on. It's just another forty meters. No problem, even if he is the shortest guy in his family.
> 
> He remembers reaching the top of the hill, but everything's a blank between then and his waking up on a bed he's never been on before. He knows he's in the cabin because of the manzanita wood trim and because he can smell the damn Christmas tree he dragged up to it, but he doesn't remember losing consciousness.
> 
> "Jimmy! You're awake!" It's Sam.
> 
> Jim hopes Sam doesn't jump on the bed because he's sure neither his head nor his stomach could take it. He's grateful that this bed doesn't have blankets on it because they'd crush him with heat and weight. "Headache..." he says after a long campaign of effort.
> 
> "Heatstroke," Sam counters. "It was all Dad's fault. Mom's furious. She's on her way to pick you up and take us back to Iowa.
> 
> "Dad?"
> 
> "He's not allowed. You know how mom gets when she's mad."
> 
> "How about you? Where are you spending Christmas?"
> 
> "Here," Sam says. He sounds rueful. "Mom's mad at me, too."
> 
> Jim's heart sinks. "I'll tell her you tried to get Dad to let me rest."
> 
> "Better not. Someone needs to tell Dad to cut it out. Besides, I can send you vids of him bragging to the neighbors about how you dragged a ten-foot Christmas tree up Hobnail Hill!"
> 
> Jim doesn't want to cry. He's feeling lousy enough as it is and doesn't want to get sick. Plus it would be really embarrassing to break down after he broke the family record. But this may be the last Christmas they have on Earth for a while and the family's already splitting up over his stunt. "It's not fair." He throws his arm over his eyes, a gesture he often makes when his head aches but also useful to hide welling eyes.
> 
> "I know, Jimmy." Sam pats Jim's arm and gives it a brotherly squeeze.
> 
> Jim goes with it, wondering when he will next have time to spend with his brother.

Spock's hand is still on Kirk's face, but the meld is broken. Through a watery gaze, Kirk can see the naked concern in his friend's eyes.

"Sorry, Spock. I didn't mean to tear up. I just wanted to show you that you aren't alone."

"I had surmised this." Spock's voice is quiet with emotion.

"That was the last time I saw Sam for ten years." Kirk pauses to regroup. "I miss him so much, but when I saw the Transporter effect on you, I knew that my work was done. I don't think I can do without you."

After a long pause, Spock says, "The feeling is mutual."

Kirk figures out how to raise his hand to cover the one Spock has on his cheek without making himself hurt so much that death would be preferable. "Good." He turns his head just enough to press a kiss to Spock's palm. "But as much as I love you and know you love me, we can't share this bed tonight."

"Agreed," Spock replies, "though I'd like to rectify that situation in a logical manner."

Kirk musters as much of a grin as his pain will allow. "That is acceptable."


End file.
